The Beginning

This is it....the Beginning.  Of what?  The beginning of my first ever blog?  Yes.

Maybe the beginning of the realization that there are many layers of grief at the loss of a 32-year marriage - even one that ended with a true friendship still intact.  Maybe that's what makes it even more difficult as there is no raging anger or blame to side-track and delay facing the intense sadness.

Maybe those layers need to peel away like an onion...at their own pace - in their own time.  The layers are so complex...formed and crafted over 3 decades...creating both wonderful and difficult memories.  And as with the peeling of that onion - each layer of those memories is exposed.  With that exposure - the loss is real, the tears are imminent and the pain is profound.

Maybe it's the beginning of understanding that it's really okay to move on during the "unpeeling" process...or otherwise risk getting stuck in the sadness and perhaps missing chances at new happiness.  Maybe this is the beginning of the end of the sadness.  Maybe it's believing that when life hands you onions - you make greasy yummy onion rings!

There are many maybe's in my world right now.  One thing I have learned (with difficulty - usually kicking and screaming) is that it's important to face the grief head-on.  It's scary and not at all fun....but going around it will only prolong the pain and delay the healing process.  Pain is very patient and will be content to wait a long time for the right moment to show up without an invitation.  I will try to write about it - to put it into words - so I can then let it go.

This journey is multifaceted - like a diamond.  Yes - I like that analogy too.  I'm not so naive as to think that some of those facets won't include confusion, uncertainty, and unbridled fear.  They have been very active facets on my journey thus far.  I want to re-focus though and face the future with healing, strength, forgiveness, closure, clarity, trust, grace, courage, enthusiasm, growth, and fun.  I look forward to a life filled with joy, contentment, and love.  A 'ginormous' goal - but its time has come.  So - Here's to new beginnings!