There are certain parts of my life that I know were good decisions: to get married to the man I loved, to be a mom to my amazing kids, to experience the growth and friendships I found in my various jobs and neighborhoods where we lived. Of course there were situations where I wish I had "do overs" - but for the most part I gave it my best shot and I did the best I knew how to do.
Now - post-divorce - I'm struggling to feel settled and I'm impatient with the struggle. Sometimes I feel anxious that I won't know how to "do life" and I'm afraid. I have to adjust my outlook and anticipate the future in a different way at 56 than I did at 21. If only I could reach back in my memory to that confident, positive, happy 21-year-old and embrace those thoughts again - even for a moment. What a beautiful feeling of wonderful anticipation the future would hold! I want that again - and I'm still naive, trusting, and hopeful enough to believe it will happen.
It was not in my blueprint of life to be starting over. I know it wasn't in JB's plan either. We did many things right and I believe we are better people for having "grown up" together. Now we are both on our own quests - trying to figure it all out. Godspeed JB.
In reading what I wrote above - I thought of myself - "God! What a downer you are!" I felt like I should apologize to anyone who might read this. But I realized that this is about my uncertainty - my reality - my journey. I have to be truthful to myself - to say it out loud (or write it down) and ultimately decide what to do with it all. Not sure exactly when - but I trust that it will get better - all will be well.
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