Stars & Spots (& True Colors)

To say that I've experienced a few life lessons the past several years would be a bit of an understatement.

As is true with most everyone, there have been some life-altering changes and adjustments.
 

I've made some bad choices and some good decisions.
I've been tenacious...when I should have let go.
And I've held on...when it was exactly the right thing to do.

I've celebrated family, rekindled old friendships, made new friends, and lost some friends.  I cherish the past...even the not-so-fun parts...and am grateful for the lessons I've learned that have molded me into who I am.

I believe that we can "Change Our Stars".

That is...our destinies are not cast in stone.

We can alter our future if we put our entire being - and a lot of BS&T - into the process.

It can be as simple as a change of opinion...or the more complicated attitude adjustment.

Or it can mean a monumental transformation to overcome negative energy that blocks our personal happiness and well-being.

The Epiphanies of life can be difficult, overwhelming, and wonderfully liberating...
..."sudden, intuitive perception of - or insight into - the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience."

 They are those "Aha!" moments of life.

Thank goodness they happen - as they are the catalysts for the changing of stars.

I've also come to understand that it's not possible to "Change Our Spots".

There are just some things that cannot be altered...

...wonderful traits...

...and some not so wonderful - but potentially manageable.
 

They run deep in the DNA of the psyche - never to be altered.

Sometimes the spots can fade, be denied, or be hidden...

...but eventually the true colors do come shining through.

It is what it is.

 

 Thank the heavens...

...for the infinite stars!

 As Nate would say...

..."HUZZAH!"

"THE GIFT"...Do You Smell That (Part III of III)

Part III of my saga is by far the hardest to formulate and explain.
It ignites many memories...and again...it's that whole nutcase thing!
 

The 'blast from the past' memory of little brother Stevie - triggered by the "Do You Smell That?" incident at work - permeated my thoughts for the next two days.

It was evident that I was still experiencing grief - and some guilt - about what had happened that fateful day at the lake.

Almost 45 years later - I still felt stuck - 'locked up' in the belief that perhaps it was my fault. I had created the unrequited responsibility that it had been up to me to be Stevie's 'protector' and keep him safe - and I had failed miserably.

As siblings - we were not blamed for what happened.
But reassurance that it was not our fault - was missing.
Encouraging words would have been comforting for us to hear.

Yet - social protocol, complicated family dynamics, and mind-numbing grief became a trifecta of feelings and emotions that were just too intense to allow for much discussion.

So there was deafening silence...and the foraging of quiet undertones of self-imposed guilt.

The Friday night after the putt-putt boat motor smell at work - I was home watching the TV show "Crossing Over with John Edward".  I was fascinated by the premise of psychic medium John Edward's belief that the energy of our loved ones continued to surround us - long after their spirits have left their physical bodies.

John started a reading with a lady in the 'gallery'.  He told her he was feeling a young male energy - a toddler.  John explained that he literally felt some difficulty breathing - which to him was a sign of a drowning.
The lady acknowledged that there was indeed a toddler in her past that had drowned.

In light of the recent reminders of Stevie...this really captured my attention.

John then mentioned a Great Lakes connection - meaning that it was in that region of the country.  Hers was Lake Michigan.  Mine...Lake Superior.

If any other connections from John Edward rang true with her - I have no idea - as the next thing he said sent me reeling.

John said he was getting an "S" name.
"It's Stephen."

Then he said, "Wait. No."
"He's telling me it's Stevie".

You could have knocked me over with a freaking feather!

And I knew - in the deepest regions of my heart - that this "reading" was for me...  

...and The Gift?  (to all those there that day)


John Edward finished with...
 
"He just wants you to know that it wasn't your fault."

Thank you, sweet Stevie.

The "Set Up" or Do You Smell That? (Part II of III)

Parts II and III have been difficult to formulate in my head.

I've struggled (and resisted a bit) to put it in writing at all. 
  
My experiences have been hidden away in my heart for several years now...goose-bump moments that I've shared with only a few select people.


To keep it precise in prose...will always be a challenge for me. 

To not come across as a complete nutcase...will be a miracle.



 Rewind again....this time to Summer 2002.  It was a typical workday for me at the MN Landscape Arboretum Development office.

Originally designed to be a photographic dark room - there were no windows - and no doors directly to the outside. 

You might think it a negative (no pun intended) place to be stuck working considering the Arboretum's beautiful gardens - but I was okay with it.   It was one of the few places in the building in those days with A/C.

The fact that I was in a windowless room was significant - as I was suddenly 'bombarded" by the intense smell of the exhaust of a small putt-putt boat motor. 

It was "that" smell...the one that transports me back to the lake...and the loss. 

I asked my co-worker sitting across the room - "Do you smell that?"
She didn't smell anything unusual. 

I was so insistent that she came over to my desk and sniffed around - like any good friend would do - really trying to validate that I wasn't losing my mind. 
Still - she just didn't smell what I was describing.


It lasted about a minute or so - and then it was gone. 

But the seed was planted, the memory jogged, the stage set...

...for a very special "message" I would receive two nights later. 

Do You Smell That? (Part I)

The sense of smell has a "memory".

There are moments in life when a familiar scent can transport us back to a day...an event...a specific moment in time.

It has taken a long time for me to reach the point of telling my story of a very personal smell memory.  It's been in the forefront of my thoughts lately....so I think it must be time to write it down.

Rewind to Aug 4, 1957.  I was 3 3/4 years old - and spending the day with my family at the lake cabin in northern Minnesota.


I have vague visual memories of the place itself.

But - due to the life-altering event that happened that day - I have an intense olfactory recall of the smell of the fumes given off by those little putt-putt boat motors.

To this day - that smell is the trigger that transports me back to the saddest of summer days - when 20-month-old Stevie  managed to slip out of the cabin during the chaos that comes with meal preparation for a crowd.

In true toddler fashion - he followed his curiosity impulses to the dock...to the small fishing boat...to the moment of reaching over the side of the boat to touch the pretty water...

...and then our lives changed forever.

Later - I remember watching the world unfold from a bird's-eye-view - hoisted up high on my dad's shoulders.   (More than likely placed there to keep tabs on me.) 

I watched, I heard, I saw, I remember.  But it's still "the smell" that takes me back to that day.

To Leap...

...is to Trust.

If you don't leap -

you'll never know.

(Check out the expression on the kid...classic!)
 

It's comforting to know that there is often a safety ledge...

...in many forms...

... on the other side.

There will be some bumps and bruises along the way...

...and they will heal.

No leaping...No living.

The tricky part?

 
...To trust enough to leap again.

Here's to more leaps...

...and smooth landings.

Yes.

(Not so) FAQ's #19

What makes my sister break out in fits of laughter when looking at me from across the table?

When I'm sitting in front of the bunny cookie jar...

...and it appears that I have sprouted an extra pair of ears!

It's a new look for me...


...I kinda like it.

Only the Shadow Knows...

...I guess.

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning.

So if you believe that a large - but kinda cute - rodent can predict the seasons - then 6 more weeks of winter lie ahead.

Considering this is my first winter in my new neighborhood...

if the next 6 weeks of winter are anything like the last 6...

Hey - no problem!

From what the natives tell me - this winter has been rather 'milk toast'.

The focus of my next 6 weeks - will not be about a chubby rodent's shadow, winter, or milk toast.

I will be reaching for a shift in my world...some positive and long-overdue changes in my outlook...changes that can only come from within.





My shadow says...

...it's time to climb.

Watch me...

...I can do this!