Missing Friends

I went for a walk to the beach early this evening.  I enjoy walking - it gives me a chance to get some exercise while I over-think everything...  hmmm

It started out good - a nice cool evening - and a quick pace to the beach to sit on the wall and watch the waves and the surfers.  Then I looked closer at those around me and noticed the friends and couples out and about together.  There was talking and laughter and hand-holding.  The sadness and loneliness hit me like a crashing wave.  I kept trying to snap out of it but the effing riptides kept pulling me under....God I hate that feeling!



I've never been a overly social person.  In high school in California - I had lots of acquaintances but only a few close friends.  I had fun and enjoyed the social things I got involved in but I wasn't a party girl by any stretch of the imagination.  I preferred it that way.  It was my personality and I was okay with it.  There were some lonely times but I didn't need popularity to define me.  I guess I had pretty good self-esteem during those teen years.

At age 20 I moved back to Minnesota and took an out-of-character hiatus and cut loose for a while...just ask Becki.  On second thought...don't ask Becki!  It was fun for a while but it didn't take me long to figure out that I wasn't being my true self.  I didn't want to be part of the crowd - I longed for a few real friends.  I'm grateful that Becki is one of those real friends.  

Over the years I have made some wonderful friends at my jobs, church, neighborhoods, and through kid activities.  Many of those friends are in Minnesota and my decision to move to California has been very difficult at times for missing them.  I have lost some friends as well - including some that I still don't understand what happened.


I know that I need to give it time and it will get better.  I am job hunting and being employed will connect me to new friends.   Right now I have too much time to do that over-thinking thing....