What the hell happened?!!

I'm finding that I'm very grateful for this blog outlet.  I can be feeling perfectly fine one moment and suddenly find myself overwhelmed with sadness or fear or both.  It's times like this that I think writing will be the most healing.  This is one of those times.

I was remembering a conversation from a couple weeks ago when I was at a graduation party and met up with a lady that I knew vaguely and hadn't talked to in over 25 years.  She was excited to see me and asked me what was going on with me.  I gave her a brief account of the end of my 32 year marriage and about my journey to start the next phase of my life.  

She literally yelled out loud, "What the hell happened?!!"  It was clear that she was stunned by the news - just as I was stunned by her reaction to it.  It's a bit of a blur as to how I responded...it was all I could do to keep from totally falling apart.  I'm sure my response included reasons like - well we didn't take care of us as a couple...that we could be the poster children for "empty nest syndrome"...etc. etc. etc. blah, blah, blah...

The true reasons are complex and run much deeper than that.  I guess it was mostly the intrinsic, down-to-the-core, fundamental differences in our psyches.  Huh?

When JB and I met in the fall of 1975 - I was almost 22 and he was 29.  He was divorced and had a young daughter who lived in another state.  That he would be nervous about making the marriage leap again was understandable.  I knew he felt concerned about those core differences and he often tried to explain it to me.  Of course - I was young, madly in love, and unyielding in my belief that those differences actually gave spice, mystery and excitement to our relationship. 

To my good fortune - he acquiesced - and love won out over fear.  We got married about 10 months after our first date.  I can say with the greatest of truth and conviction that I will never, ever regret our decision to get married.  It was the perfect thing to do and was not a mistake. 

The subject of our core differences often came up when we struggled with the tougher marital issues.  We did many things right - loved each other and our kids (and always will) and had a deeply respectful relationship.  But try as we might - when things got tough we couldn't seem to identify and connect with what truly made the other person tick.  This caused an undercurrent of sadness that we couldn't seem to shake.  The frustration started to erode the foundation that had been built on love - but also on some unsettled ground.  Sadly, the unexpected and unbelievable happened.....

That same stunned lady also said something to me that was very comforting and validating.  She told me that I was very brave - that it took a lot of courage to move forward and face the future.  I don't often feel brave - but I was grateful to get the kudos.  Courage is fleeting - it comes and goes in a heartbeat - but I do see glimmers of calming and healing.  

I am brave enough to believe that Ahl will be Gud.

Goodnight ahl....