The Heart of the Matter

Even in the best of relationships there are times when love can feel a bit "prickly".  Thank goodness we don't have to be perfect to be loved.

I literally cannot fathom where I'd be at this point in time if I'd had to face this journey all by myself.  I understand that many of it's paths can only be traveled and experienced by me.  At times it can all be so overwhelming that I panic and I resist going down certain roads.  I'm tempted to take the path of least resistance - but I eventually come back to the "in your face" reality that it's not a good idea to do it that way.

I am so grateful for the people in my life...for the friends and family who enthusiastically supported the idea - and welcomed me so graciously - during my Westward Ho adventure that began on 11/11/2009.  For my SLC cosmic connection - you are the BEST!

For my sons who have had to deal with the loss of their traditional family - who honestly didn't see this coming - and continued to love and support us even though they were hurting too.  They are our greatest success story.  Two strong and amazing young men - I love you forever! 

My incredible mom, 5 sisters, and 2 brothers (and all of their families)...my lifelines, my moral support, my devil's advocates, my reality checks, and my whacks upside the head when I need them.  (And I can honestly say I've needed them because even I've wanted to whack myself upside the head a few times!)  And for my dad - gone from this world - but to whom I often pose questions and ask for advice.

They give me that down home, never-ending, soft-and-cozy-like-a-homemade-quilt kind of love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone!  I love you all!

Memorial Day 2010

 On this Memorial Day 2010...

...To all Veterans past and present....

Thank you for your service and your sacrifice.

Goodnight

Sunset at OB.  Goodnight world.  Sleep well.

Mornings - eeeuuuww!

I've never been particularly fond of early mornings.  People who know me well would say that that's an understatement.  Again this morning I awoke with my emotions churning.  Honestly - this has been happening for several years now.  I'm not sleeping soundly or waking up feeling rested...so I'm too tired to get out of bed when I wake up and my thoughts won't shut off long enough to let me go back to sleep.  A vicious cycle and it really sucks!

There are certain parts of my life that I know were good decisions: to get married to the man I loved, to be a mom to my amazing kids, to experience the growth and friendships I found in my various jobs and neighborhoods where we lived.  Of course there were situations where I wish I had "do overs" - but for the most part I gave it my best shot and I did the best I knew how to do.

Now - post-divorce - I'm struggling to feel settled and I'm impatient with the struggle.  Sometimes I feel anxious that I won't know how to "do life" and I'm afraid.  I have to adjust my outlook and anticipate the future in a different way at 56 than I did at 21.  If only I could reach back in my memory to that confident, positive, happy 21-year-old and embrace those thoughts again - even for a moment. What a beautiful feeling of wonderful anticipation the future would hold!  I want that again - and I'm still naive, trusting, and hopeful enough to believe it will happen.

It was not in my blueprint of life to be starting over.  I know it wasn't in JB's plan either.  We did many things right and I believe we are better people for having "grown up" together.  Now we are both on our own quests - trying to figure it all out.  Godspeed JB.

In reading what I wrote above - I thought of myself - "God! What a downer you are!"  I felt like I should apologize to anyone who might read this.  But I realized that this is about my uncertainty - my reality - my journey.  I have to be truthful to myself - to say it out loud (or write it down) and ultimately decide what to do with it all.  Not sure exactly when - but I trust that it will get better - all will be well.

The Arb

The University of Minnesota Landscape Arboretum in Chanhassen, MN is one of my favorite places in the whole world!

Even though I haven't been to many places in the whole world to make such a claim...

I know the Arb would always rank high on my list.

  Beauty and serenity at its finest.

The Beginning

This is it....the Beginning.  Of what?  The beginning of my first ever blog?  Yes.

Maybe the beginning of the realization that there are many layers of grief at the loss of a 32-year marriage - even one that ended with a true friendship still intact.  Maybe that's what makes it even more difficult as there is no raging anger or blame to side-track and delay facing the intense sadness.

Maybe those layers need to peel away like an onion...at their own pace - in their own time.  The layers are so complex...formed and crafted over 3 decades...creating both wonderful and difficult memories.  And as with the peeling of that onion - each layer of those memories is exposed.  With that exposure - the loss is real, the tears are imminent and the pain is profound.

Maybe it's the beginning of understanding that it's really okay to move on during the "unpeeling" process...or otherwise risk getting stuck in the sadness and perhaps missing chances at new happiness.  Maybe this is the beginning of the end of the sadness.  Maybe it's believing that when life hands you onions - you make greasy yummy onion rings!

There are many maybe's in my world right now.  One thing I have learned (with difficulty - usually kicking and screaming) is that it's important to face the grief head-on.  It's scary and not at all fun....but going around it will only prolong the pain and delay the healing process.  Pain is very patient and will be content to wait a long time for the right moment to show up without an invitation.  I will try to write about it - to put it into words - so I can then let it go.

This journey is multifaceted - like a diamond.  Yes - I like that analogy too.  I'm not so naive as to think that some of those facets won't include confusion, uncertainty, and unbridled fear.  They have been very active facets on my journey thus far.  I want to re-focus though and face the future with healing, strength, forgiveness, closure, clarity, trust, grace, courage, enthusiasm, growth, and fun.  I look forward to a life filled with joy, contentment, and love.  A 'ginormous' goal - but its time has come.  So - Here's to new beginnings!